http://nikongirl24.blogspot.com/

I've been keeping another blog.

Sorry been "missing"  Had a baby and moved.  Been suuuuper busy and also sick.  :(  Possible surgery in the future.

will ttyl!

<3

Casey

You know what hurts me... more than any physical ailment... more than any spiritual one?  The future hurts me.  A deep aching hurt.

It just hurts me to know that my son will never have the opportunities that others do.  He'll never be able to go to Disney for a family vacation, probably will never see a beach, will always have to wear hand me down, or goodwill clothes...

That hurts.  As a parent, I know I should be happy that he's going to be healthy and loved, but it doesn't.  It hurts me to know that my child, the one I wanted so badly, will never be like other kids.  He'll probably always be in the system: food stamps, welfare, medical card.  And none of it's his fault.  It's ours as parents.  We try so hard, so hard to provide for him... and all I can do is sit and watch it all collapse around me.  I get hand outs from people... which makes me so ashamed and sad... but I know we need them.  We get medical assistance from the state... which pains me because I know we should be able to get that ourselves... (I can only hope for universal health care, so those of us who truly need help can get treatment without having to fear going bankrupt because of hospital bills.)

I know there are more important things in life... but it just hurts me that my baby will never have a normal childhood... like other kids.

I sit here, college educated, proud of my degree... and nothing to show for it but that pride and a piece of paper.

My family must be so sick of me being in these situations.  Sick of me always needing help.  I even promised... after I left Kurt, that I'd never allow my life to spiral out like that again.  Now look.  The only difference is who I'm with.  I'm with a great guy... but we just struggle so much.  So hard.

I just want my son to have a good life.  To have everything he needs... not for us to have to choose between buying diapers and food, or if we should pay the utilities... 

I hurt.  I ache.  And often i wonder if we should have given him up for adoption... so he could have a better life.  Lord knows he deserves better than this. 

I'm sorry Vincent.  Mommy is so sorry she is dragging you into all of this.  I want to be able to promise to make it all better one day... but I can't do that unless I believe it myself.

People just don't understand unless they've been in this type of situation. 

I do promise, though, Vinny, that your mom and dad will always love you and love each other.  Even if we are in the dark or living in the car.  I promise that.

I hate that I can't even provide for him before he gets here.  Scrapping by isn't doing it anymore...

Please God... there has to be something we can do.  We can't depend on my family... they shouldn't have to support us.  We should be able to pull ourselves out of this... but I really don't know how anymore. 

I've reached that end point where there are no more straws to pull at.  

I need a miracle.  Not just for me, but for my son.

 Today, ladies and gents, is July 17th.  My due date... well, it's August 17th.  

HOLY SHIT.

Just thought I'd put that out there for ya'll.

Note to all: 

Please do not expect me or my baby daddy to be available for ANYTHING until September.  From now until September... our lives are consistant of Baby, baby, and... more baby.  As of right now, I have a crib to finish putting together, crap to get rid of to make room for said baby, a nursery to arrange/organize/ make livable and a house to clean.  On top of all that, I also have SHIT TON of baby clothing, baby bedding, blankies, etc... to wash and have put away BEFORE his imminent arrival.  

This is going to be one hectic month.  Sorry in advance guys if I miss any birthdays, weddings, births, or special occasions... we are just a bit tied up here.  :P

After he is here, my momma is coming to stay a week with us.  THANK YOU GOD.  I am looking forwards to my family visiting, seeing my little guy and adjusting to actual mommyhood.  The rest of August will be spent... well, recovering from giving birth.  Trust me, as I clearly remember from the first time I gave birth.. .IT SUCKED AND HURT A WHOLE WHOLE LOT.  So please, no advice or words of wisdom... I got it. 

August, like I said, particularly the first few weeks of the month, are going to be a major adjustment for Len and I.  We love you guys, really we do, but we are going to really need some time alone to learn how to be a mom and dad.  I do need friend time... but give me a few weeks... so I am not nuts, crazy or abusive towards anyone.  :)  

Much love... I will probably not update until after he appears... so keep us in your thoughts, prayers... etc... whatever you will.

Love love and more love.

 I thought my biggest concern was supposed to be postpartum depression?  Lately, I'm more worried that I'm suffering from prepartum depression.  Is that even possible?

*sigh*  Maybe it's just stress.  I do tend to get really stressed out more-so than is necessary.  I worry too much, get too anxious and stress out over everything.  Is that just my personality?  Sometimes I wonder if that's how I will always be.  Yay for a life full of ulcers, uncontrollable sobbing and mood swings?

I guess it could be worse and that this isn't really all the unexpected.  After Bubby was born and passed away, I was really, really depressed.  But I mean, that was expected right?  How many people can bounce right back after something like that?  I felt guilty for a long long time, but I mean, come one.  My baby died.  It's not as if it was just one of my other miscarriages, and i feel horrible saying that, but with Bubby he was here, I gave birth to him and then just like that  I was holding him and he died.  

How should I feel about that?  That was 2 years ago.  2 years.  Should I be over it now?  Should I be moving on?

I know I'm expecting a new, perfectly healthy little boy now.  I know he is alright and that in less than 2 months he will be here in my arms, but I can't shake this aching fear in the back of my mind the I'll be holding him and he'll die too.

I'm just being paranoid.  I'm just being afraid and overly cautious. But is that all?  Am I?  

I think I'll feel so much better when I can just hold Vincent and know he's okay.  Count all of his toes, fingers, etc.. and make sure he's OK.  Then maybe I'll be better about this all.

For right now, I'm just sick to my stomach.  I throw up from the stress.  My ulcers are back and I really don't know how to fix this.

There are so many "If's"

IF we had more money.

IF we had a bigger place.

IF we had a better car.

IF we had more time.

All of these things that we really can't change right now.

I can't work, mostly because I'm on modified bed rest, but also because no one is going to hire someone who is 8 months pregnant.  I have job prospects for AFTER he is born, but that isn't helping us right now.

If we only had everything NOW instead of later.  

On top of all of this, I miss my family.  Scratch that. I do miss my family, but I really, really miss my mom.

How can I expect to be a mom?  I've had a baby, but have never been a mother.  I am 5 hours away from the most important people in my life.  I am 5 hours away from my support system.

I cry.  I can't sleep.  My hair is falling out.

I just want to go home.  I want my mom to be there for advice, or if I just need someone to talk too.  

I know my home is wherever my husband is, and I don't regret staying here.  I just am at the point now where I don't know how much longer I'll last down here.

I want to go home.  

:(

 Meh.  Had a doctor's appointment today.  Get to see him every two weeks for a while, until I'm bumped to once a week.  :(  I hate doctor visits, but it's for a good cause! lIke cancer!  Wait...

Next appointment we get another ultrasound to see how much he weighs (so far) and how long he is, what position he's in, etc...

So in other news: baby's not here yet, he's still cooking and we definitely expect to have him BEFORE he's due in August. Probably July folks.  Expect me to have him July.

In other news: the girls at the radio station are wanting to have me a baby shower on July 8th (thanks Angie!).  I have dubbed this the "lenny's pizza and beer party with a few ladies and gifts involved".  Why?  I only know a few ladies there, it's was Reeves idea (SHOCK) and there will be pizza... and probably beer. :(  That I can't drink.   

Hmm...  Still on modified bed rest.  Headed up to New Creek tomorrow for my last official road trip type thing.  We have to stop at every rest stop so I can get out of the car.... boo.

Get to see my mom and family, get to leave this dang apartment for longer than a minute and get to see my aunt and uncle!  I miss my family so much.  :(

That's about it... I sit here all day every day and do crafty things, since I'm limited to what I am allowed to do during the day.  Can no longer see my toes.  Can't shave my legs successfully without aid.  Can't sleep comfortably... can't SIT comfortably... all in all, I"M SO OVER BEING PREGNANT NOW.

I'm in week 30 and I feel as though I've been pregnant forever, literally FOREVER.  And I still have at the most, 10 weeks to go til my due date.  More like 6 for me, but lets hope for 8 ok?

It has been nice having Len here everyday to help me.  :)  Scary to think that in a few months... it will no longer just be us.  :O  

Until then, he is my helper, my nurse and my slave.  ;)  I know he misses going out and hanging with friends, but he knows that this is all for VIncent.  ONly a few months left til some sort of normalcy.  Besides-- I miss friends too.  :(  I really just want to go out and go to trivia night, or go to a movie, etc...  From now on it's "find a babysitter, find some $$$ and find a free moment to sleep/hug/kiss/badthings/see my husband".  

All for Vinny.  :)  And to think we want to do this at least one more time...  if we survive this first one.

So, observations from my couch. AKA-- how crap- tastic modified bed rest can be. Maybe a short introduction and update for WHY I am on modified bed rest.

Last week/ weekend we were up in Michigan for the funeral of Lenny's gramma. I am sad that I never got to meet here, seeing as how that part of his family up there is AWESOME. They were super sweet and loving people, and I can tell how much they love each other... even if some of them are a bit distant or "off". (Mainly the one from FL, but she was a bit angry and I'm not sure of the story there...)

Anyways, we were up there for about 4 days, got to see Michigan/ Detroit area that he grew up in and where his family currently lives. I can honestly say, as afraid as i was to go up that way, it wasn't half bad. (Not a fan of FREEZING COLD WINTERS... but there were a lot of good things that would probably outweigh that... if not for the crippling economy of Michigan... and the rest of the country.) Hell, I even got a freaking awesome trip to the Detroit Zoo. Casey + Zoo = HAPPY CASEY. Got to see awesome animals and spend a nice, beautiful sunny day with just my husband. Was totally worth it. :) Even got some cool photos, got to see an amazingly huge Swapmeet/ flea market and some freaking sweet homes. Went to Dunkin Donuts, and then had a panic attack on the interstate driving home. I get a bit nervous in traffic... so Detroit is scary for me in that aspect. Got some stuff for the baby and Len and I both scored some Red Wings stuff.

Did I mention the Red Wings? His family are HUGE FANS... being in Michigan and all, but they have really turned me into a Wing Nut as well... I think this is the beginning of a nice relationship... that and his uncle is a camera/ photography person as well. BONUS.! NOW... we got home super early in the morning on Sunday/ Monday after a 7 ish hour drive straight through Ohio. Gross. He drove thankfully.


Now, I was scheduled for an ultrasound on Tuesday to check my cervical length. Because I had gone into preterm labor with my first son, Bubby, I am at risk of doing do this time also. So, we go to my appointment, have my name called and I go in. Usually, my Dr. will get me started and then call Lenny in. This time, I got set up and she didn't talk to me. She had teh screen turned away, and was reallly quiet. After a few mutterings and measurements she told me I was done, to clean up and open the door. She calls him back and tells us that I need to go immediately to the hospital. OK? WTF?

Here, apparently my cervix was OPEN. Newsflash-- open cervix means open door for baby to come out of. NOT GOOD WHEN YOU ARE ONLY 27 weeks. Sometimes they can put a stitch in there, to keep your cervix closed. Well, not for me. Technically Vinny is considered "viable" which means that if he is born now, he'll have an almost 90% chance of survival.. good chance, but still not cooked enough to my liking.

So, In the hospital I get admitted, apparently for 3 days? Scheduled for another u/s the next morning. So, get a shot of steroids, to help his lungs develop in case he would come early, and get monitered twice a day to see if I was contracting. GREAT. Next morning, have the u/s and guess what... MY CERVIX HAS CLOSED?? SO, apparently I have a weak/ short cervix if I stand for too long and too much pressure is put on it. What is the remedy? Bed Rest. Don't put too much pressure upon my cervix and do my kick counts to make sure this monkey is doing okay. In other news... he's growing great, doing fine and didn't know his door was open to freedom. :)

So now I'm home, but on modified bed rest until my next appointment on Wednesday. I have my glucose screening to make sure I'm not diabetic right now... but I HATE SITTING HERE. In other news-- surprise visit from my mom and dad! They came down yesterday and left today. Helped me hang some stuff, like my curtains and blinds, some photos and micellaneous stuff on my walls. Helped us arrange our heavy stuff and took some give away stuff up there for a yard sale! My mom also made me some kick ass spaghetti sauce (homemade) and pumpkin pis (HOMEMADE NOM).

I miss her so much some times. I don't know what to expect... and I really need her sometimes. My dad has been sick and I wish I were closer to help him out.

Got a nice chewing out and told to STAY DOWN AND LET LENNY TAKE CARE OF ME. :( NOt used to someone waiting on me hand and foot. I've been over doing it... but now I'm thinking I should cut back a little. Need to settle down, make sure this baby is not going to come early and take care of myself and him. they told me that if I can keep him in here about 7 more weeks, I'm doing good... still at a high risk of preterm... but damnit, I want him to cook a little longer. Wish us luck guys! Before we know it... we're going to have a baby. It's been a long 7 months... but I have a feeling this home stretch is going to be a long one. <3 Casey

I cook for myself about every single day. Yesterday I made a yummy pot roast with fixins for my hubby, parents, grandparents and mother-in- law. Not to mention my very excited best buddy Carrie. :P We had a yummy home cooked meal before our college graduation! Tonight I got taken out to eat, so tonight I got to slack a little, but tomorrow it's back to cleaning and cooking for my hubby!

I don't think I'll do the regular "Here's what's new in my life!" Why? Because not one of you would probably care right now. Most of you on my meager friends list I see on a semi- daily basis, one is my husband, and the others I am also friends with on Facebook. If you check facebook, then you'll be more updated than on LJ.

So, today was interesting.. but this is all I will talk about. Short. Sweet. Painful.

Had the COFA Convocation today. I didn't win any awards, I don't have any grand achievements, and I seriously doubt any professors will be affected AT ALL by my graduating and leaving this school I, on the other hand, will miss it a great deal, but I would be just a little happier if I knew that at least one professor would remember my name, afterall, it has been 6 years that I have devoted to this damn department and program. If at least one professor can remember me, and not for speaking my mind or not because I constantly must remind them of who I am, (No, I'm not Cassie, I'm CASEY.)or( No, I graduate this year, I'm not a new student)????

Anyways, went to this convocation, got to go up and get a certificate that said I was graduating... with the wrong name on it. Was careful, seeing how's I am 6 months pregnant, not to fall on the stage, or walking off of it. But wouldn't you know it? I walk outside into the lovely day, all 80- some degrees, really nice, and walked towards my car. Lenny was waiting to pick me up. Hit the concrete bumper of the parking spot, fell face first towards the ground and skinned my knees as if on a meat grinder. Slid so I wouldn't hit my belly (that whole, maternal instinct thing?) and landed on my hands.

Lenny hopped out and helped me out of course, and I had a nice, bloody knee to go home and tend too. And to think, I shaved my legs so I could wear this damn dress I bought. I don't wear dresses... I hardly am seen in them. I struggled to shave my legs, which I can barely see due to my expanding waistline, wore a damn dress and what happened? I fell down and fucked up BOTH of my knees. Got skin, SKIN from my knee all over the inner hem of my dress, but got home, wiped down the knees and was pampered by nurse Lenny and a cup of hot tea.

How pathetic am I?

Show's me to try and dress nice. I was feeling good about my appearance today too. That hardly ever happens. Being pregnant has made me appreciate my body, for some strange reason, and start to like how I look. Now don't get me wrong, most days I awaken and believe I have morphed into a beached whale that is in desperate need of being blown up, but somedays, not many, I feel like I am actually appealing.

Whatever he sees in me, I will never know. Today, I tried to be the pretty lady, the one who was dressed up and looked nice for going out... and of course, as always, that backfired.

Boo.

Back to sweat pants and slippers for me!

Maybe in another few weeks I'll feel like that again. Confident. After that, I'll be huge, hot and miserable.

Vincent needs to hurry up and cook in there. This summer is going to be HORRID. Hot, sweaty fat pregnant lady.

CAN'T WAIT!

meh.

Bye.

CASEY

What change have I made in my life that I am most proud of... This one is surprisingly easy for me.

The best change I have ever made was when I left Kurt. He wasn't treating me well and I was either too blind or too stubborn to see that. He was an arrogant man, an abusive man and never realized, or let me realize, my true potential.

I realize now that I had a good thing from the start with Lenny. We are good together, got along well and really truly were friends.

Luck has played on my side a lot this time. I got the love of my life to take me back, we got married and now look, we are going to have our own little family almost complete here in a matter of months. What more could I ask for in the love department?

Lenny has changed my life; he has pulled me out of a very dark place and has brought me into the light. Without him and his patience, his willingness to fix the mess that is me, and his never-ending love... I don't know where I would be.

He is my rock and I am not floating away anywhere but closer to him. :)

Let me share with you my countdown of crap to come.

2 days until I find out the sex of the baby.

3 days until we hang our show.

7 days until our reception.

32 days until my graduation.

132 days until I am due to give birth.

Since when did this stuff start getting closer? I mean really. This Friday we are going to be at the bloody freaking gallery ALL DAY hanging and framing our prints, next week we have a reception AND have to give an artist talk about our show and then we get to tear it all down!

Graduation I'm looking forward too.. except for the fact that I'll be 6 1/2 months pregnant, waddle to get my diploma and my family will be there to annoy me with the fact that we are NOT moving up there.

In other news-- our plans changed, we are staying in Huntington and I will be giving birth at Cabell Huntington Hospital (for those who care!)

My family is, how do I say, disappointed that my husband chose a job over them, but I must say I am a tad bit relieved to not have to live next to my mother in the middle of nowhere again.

Oh, and our new apartment is FREAKING SWEET. No stairs, no 6th avenue hookers or druggies, and coolish neighbors. We are across the street from a mini mart, can keep our cat and have our washer and dryer there!

now if only we had the keys yet...

Moving will commence ASAP when we get the keys... any burly guys or dudes able to help with heavy stuff are appreciated... seeing how my preggo butt can't lift stuff. I'm loser. :(

More later after the craziness of this and next week pass!

Hmm, I think mine is probably so transparent I don't need to explain it... but I will

Nikongirl24-- I use, and mostly ONLY use, Nikon camera equipment for my photography shoots and projects.  I fell in love with Nikon about 6 or 7 years ago and I really haven't turned back since.  I'm a girl, obviously, the reason for the middle part, to distinguish me from the masses of male photographers out there.  24, well, here's the fun part.  I am TERRIFIED of odd numbers, some sort of phobia.  It is a coincidence that I am 24 right now, because it has been my screenname for many things for about 3 years.  It was going to be my favorite number, 26, but it was taken, so next one I thought of... 24.

I'm not too complex.


Oh, and aceface905 , if it means anything to you, I think you are walking sex.  :)  ( yeah baby... yeah)

Well, maybe once a month is too long to wait and update this.  Once a week I can deal with... as long as my head is not exploding from school type stuffs. 

I swear, the longer I am around Lenny, the more I speak and type like him.  We're not turning into that kind of couple are we?  I guess it's not too bad... at least he has half way decent grammar and the ability to TYPE complete sentences.  Speaking them- well, that is another story.

Graduation is on May 9th.  My senior show is in April, from the 13th - 17th.  Our reception is that Tuesday, the 14th.

I AM NOT READY.

I know I have two whole months to prepare, shoot, print and frame- but I am absolutely terrified that everything will fail.  I mean, this is my SENIOR SHOW.  People who are not in the art department have no idea the pressure I'm under.  Music majors are the only ones who can come close, they at least have to have a senior recital.  This is what determines if I graduate or not.  If my show is a flop, then I have essentially wasted 6 years of my life to try and get my BFA... and for what?  To have to stay here another semester just to do the show over again until it is good enough.  

*sigh*  I know, I know, my life doesn't end if my show isn't perfect, but it sure feels as though it would be.  Goodness, I am so worried because after this show, I probably won't be an artist anymore.  I will never get another chance to show work, sell work or do anything with my photography again.  This show HAS to go well, not only the grade and degree depend upon it- but my pride does as well.

Anyway, what else?

Probably in late April/ early Mayish, we're going to move up to the Keyser area.  My dad is trying to get some stuff floated Lenny's way and has offered me at least 30 hours a week working for his business.  Answering phones, ordering parts, scheduling appointments, etc...  I don't mind it.  A-- they are going to let us live in one of their rental homes until our house is ready, and B-- his house will be in walking distance from ours, so walk to work! 

I'll be near to my family and not have to worry about rent.

Let me type that again... it was awesome.

NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT RENT.

God--- that would be one less stress in my life.  With a baby coming and student loans needing to be paid back, cutting $400 or so dollars off of our bills a month will be a BLESSING. 

Speaking of baby type items-- first sonagram is on Thursday.  Excited!  We are 13 weeks now, and things seem to be going well.  Except for the fact that I've lost a little over 10 pounds.  I know now how a bullimic feels everyday.  Vomiting is not my favorite daily activity, really.

I look like a gaunt, pale version of myself.  The Dr. says it will get better, but damn, I'm starting NOT to believe him. 

All to do now is keep my head down, stop being confrontational and bull headed with my professors, do my work, run my race and get the fuck out of here.  GET DONE WITH THIS STUFF.

I'll miss the art world-- I thought I was getting better at it, thought I may have some talent.  But the real world is calling, and the real world offers not many opportunities for me as a professional photographer in my hometown or otherwise.  I am depressed about it, have cried and still do everyday, but I know that to support my family, to pay my bills-- well, I have to grow up and realize that it is and always will be just a dream.

*sigh*

 ... TODAY IS 12 WEEKS.

That is freaking awesome.  I am really glad shrimpy has made it this far (given my prior history). 

Lots of life changing possibilities are in the cards as far as jobs, houses, and relocations are going.

More on that later... when we know more.

Right now we are just celebrating the fact that I AM STILL PREGNANT.

And we heard the heartbeat the other day.

GROOOVY.

<3

 So the time has almost come.  The time for me to say "goodbye", hopefully NOT forever, to my jeans that are a shameful size 8, and HELLO to the world of... STRETCH PANTS.

I know, this is my second (okay, honestly, it's my 6th), pregnancy, but damn... I'm 11 weeks and my pants are killing me.  I have spoken to other "mommies to be" and other "wiser" women, and the verdict is always the same.  Second time around, you show earlier.

Now, I'm not saying that I look as though I'm smuggling a turkey outta Wal-Mart, but another month or two or normalcy would be AMAZING.  I honestly have LOST almost 4 pounds this first trimester... all because this little one does not like me to eat... at ALL.

*sigh*  Lenny keeps telling me, "It'll be worth it in the end," and I know that.  I just keep thinking... I wish I could eat that, drink that and do this.  I am a strong woman, I know I am.  Once in a while though, I realllllly want Lenny to be chubby and pukey with me.

At least he can hold my hair as I vomit.

REAL LIFE!  Yay!

School is going GREAT...  *overt sarcasm*  

It is AMAZING how much these professors shove into your last semester.  Can it be May now?  I have so many projects due that my head is spinning and I don't know what is do when, where, why or how.  

I am managing.  

Now we are getting ready to move... hopefully soon.  Gotta nail down a place first.  We've seriously been SCREWED out of great apartments here lately by some shady people.  I have one we've looked at that I reallllllllly want.  Slated to look at one tomorrow also.  

Wish us luck.  I need W/D hookups and at least two bedrooms.  And NO, I am NOT willing to give up my cat.  Any suggestions folks?

One day at a time.  Just gotta take this all, one day at a time.

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