From a desk in the middle of nowhere...

2038-01-19T03:14:07Z

Sometimes I get really frustrated for no good reason... at least I don't think there good reasons. Maybe it's just that there not good ENOUGH reasons that I should be getting as frustrated as I do.

Honestly, I mean, I graduate in May. I know, taken me long enough to graduate right? 6 years at this joke of an art program for what? A BFA in photography... a degree that I don't feel I deserve because I know that even though I may be good... I'm not THAT good. Sure, I can take a good enough portrait or family photo, but when a professor pushes and pushes for you to produce "fine art" photography... a completely foreign concept that no matter how hard you try... you just can't grasp... then you start to worry. For years I've been told I'm not artistic enough. That I'm not "that kind of photographer"... and it makes me wonder, exactly what type/kind of photographer am I? What photos of mine do people see and instantly think, "Oh, Casey Shreve took this!" What is my voice? What is my niche? Where do I "fit"?

I desperately want this to work out. I am just soooo afraid that I will graduate and not be able to do anything with my degree except work in a studio posing little kids and trying to make them smile with my stupid duck voice or something.

I enjoy fine art photography... but I can't make a living out of that... I'm not as talented as my friends. Carrie... goodness.. she is by far one of the most talented people I know. She can photograph anything and make it look amazing. Her skills at photoshop FAR surpass mine. I can do wonders with natural light, but her grasp of lighting is much better than mine.

Yes... I am jealous of my friend. She is by far one of the best friends I have here. I can talk to her about stuff. Sometimes though, I just feel like such an idiot asking some of the questions I do or displaying my work in the same gallery as her.

People tell me I have a gift, a natural eye for composition. I just don't see it. Ha. Now there's a pun. I don't "see" it. Photographer joke.

I was asked yesterday why I'm not in the theater department. A grad student who is directing a play asked me why I was wasting my time with the art department when I have a natural ability to express myself... and apparently I make people laugh quite easily. The sad thing is... all I did was have a simple conversation with her and managed to make a fool of myself unintentionally... but this was brilliant to her.

I've been told I'm very motherly, that I tend to be a nurturer and take care of those around me. In fact, I was told that tonight at work also... by my BOSS.

I don't know where I fit. I love the feeling of having a paintbrush in my hand, a blank canvas in front of me and no one to judge me. I see the work of others and it inspires me to make great art... but by the time I am finished, I feel deflated, exhausted and as if the things.. whether they be paintings, photos, whatever... are worthless and not worthy.

So I throw them away.

Over the years I have thrown countless things away.

Paintings, photographs, stories... every creative thing I have done with my own hands I have trashed to ensure that no one would ever see them.. just in case they would hate or loathe the very creations I have slaved over.

Maybe if my self confidence was better... maybe if I got some encouragement once in a while.. maybe I'd be able to find myself.

You have no idea how long it took for people to push me into submitting to shows or gallery openings... I was too afraid. Thanks to you all who helped push me... I am thankful that I actually have that experience to be proud of.

I am terrified of my senior show.

I am afraid that I'm not creative enough. I come up with ideas that I personally believe in.. that I sit and dream about and long to make a reality.. but then I lose that inspirational feeling. That drive and motivation to create. I fear rejection.

I fear not being able to make a living.

I fear being in the same situation I am in right now.

Broke.

No car.

No money.

Barely scrapping the bottom of the barrel to survive.

I don't want to just survive... I want to LIVE.

I want a career... I want a profession.

I want more than a job... I want a life.

Starving artist. Not just a term.. it's my lifestyle.

So what do I do? Graduate, work at Sears portrait for 10 years and be miserable? Go to grad school, get a MFA and not ever be able to use it? Or take that chance... follow my dreams, regardless of rejection, self loathing and disapproval?

What about my family? What about my friends?

What about me? Can I make it? WIll I make it?

Do I want this?

I am so lost...

There are days I just want to give up. Throw in the towel. End my educational suffering and go work at the wal-mart until I am old and grey.

Until then... I'm still unsure, uncertain and confused about who Casey is as an artist... what is my voice.

All I want is someone to sit down one day and just tell me what I am actually good at. What are my strong points? What am I weak at? Where can I use improvement? Someone make me see what I am doing right for once... instead of only what I do wrong. If I work on the low points, focus on the high points... maybe, just maybe one day I'll be in the middle somewhere.

I just need, Really NEED to know that I'm at least good at something.

Right now I don't feel good at anything.

I don't even feel like my friends like me.

I just want to feel worthy, wanted, maybe needed once in a while. I want to be included...Maybe I just want too much. I need my friends to want to be friends with me.

Sorry this is long.. it's late and I've had so much stuff just built up and shoved inside of me for sooo long now.

<3

Casey

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From a desk in the middle of nowhere...