Today, ladies and gents, is July 17th.  My due date... well, it's August 17th.  

HOLY SHIT.

Just thought I'd put that out there for ya'll.

Note to all: 

Please do not expect me or my baby daddy to be available for ANYTHING until September.  From now until September... our lives are consistant of Baby, baby, and... more baby.  As of right now, I have a crib to finish putting together, crap to get rid of to make room for said baby, a nursery to arrange/organize/ make livable and a house to clean.  On top of all that, I also have SHIT TON of baby clothing, baby bedding, blankies, etc... to wash and have put away BEFORE his imminent arrival.  

This is going to be one hectic month.  Sorry in advance guys if I miss any birthdays, weddings, births, or special occasions... we are just a bit tied up here.  :P

After he is here, my momma is coming to stay a week with us.  THANK YOU GOD.  I am looking forwards to my family visiting, seeing my little guy and adjusting to actual mommyhood.  The rest of August will be spent... well, recovering from giving birth.  Trust me, as I clearly remember from the first time I gave birth.. .IT SUCKED AND HURT A WHOLE WHOLE LOT.  So please, no advice or words of wisdom... I got it. 

August, like I said, particularly the first few weeks of the month, are going to be a major adjustment for Len and I.  We love you guys, really we do, but we are going to really need some time alone to learn how to be a mom and dad.  I do need friend time... but give me a few weeks... so I am not nuts, crazy or abusive towards anyone.  :)  

Much love... I will probably not update until after he appears... so keep us in your thoughts, prayers... etc... whatever you will.

Love love and more love.

 ... TODAY IS 12 WEEKS.

That is freaking awesome.  I am really glad shrimpy has made it this far (given my prior history). 

Lots of life changing possibilities are in the cards as far as jobs, houses, and relocations are going.

More on that later... when we know more.

Right now we are just celebrating the fact that I AM STILL PREGNANT.

And we heard the heartbeat the other day.

GROOOVY.

<3

 So the time has almost come.  The time for me to say "goodbye", hopefully NOT forever, to my jeans that are a shameful size 8, and HELLO to the world of... STRETCH PANTS.

I know, this is my second (okay, honestly, it's my 6th), pregnancy, but damn... I'm 11 weeks and my pants are killing me.  I have spoken to other "mommies to be" and other "wiser" women, and the verdict is always the same.  Second time around, you show earlier.

Now, I'm not saying that I look as though I'm smuggling a turkey outta Wal-Mart, but another month or two or normalcy would be AMAZING.  I honestly have LOST almost 4 pounds this first trimester... all because this little one does not like me to eat... at ALL.

*sigh*  Lenny keeps telling me, "It'll be worth it in the end," and I know that.  I just keep thinking... I wish I could eat that, drink that and do this.  I am a strong woman, I know I am.  Once in a while though, I realllllly want Lenny to be chubby and pukey with me.

At least he can hold my hair as I vomit.

REAL LIFE!  Yay!

School is going GREAT...  *overt sarcasm*  

It is AMAZING how much these professors shove into your last semester.  Can it be May now?  I have so many projects due that my head is spinning and I don't know what is do when, where, why or how.  

I am managing.  

Now we are getting ready to move... hopefully soon.  Gotta nail down a place first.  We've seriously been SCREWED out of great apartments here lately by some shady people.  I have one we've looked at that I reallllllllly want.  Slated to look at one tomorrow also.  

Wish us luck.  I need W/D hookups and at least two bedrooms.  And NO, I am NOT willing to give up my cat.  Any suggestions folks?

One day at a time.  Just gotta take this all, one day at a time.

 Sometimes I get really frustrated for no good reason... at least I don't think there good reasons.  Maybe it's just that there not good ENOUGH reasons that I should be getting as frustrated as I do.

Honestly, I mean, I graduate in May.  I know, taken me long enough to graduate right?  6 years at this joke of an art program for what?  A BFA in photography... a degree that I don't feel I deserve because I know that even though I may be good... I'm not THAT good.  Sure, I can take a good enough portrait or family photo, but when a professor pushes and pushes for you to produce "fine art" photography... a completely foreign concept that no matter how hard you try... you just can't grasp... then you start to worry.  For years I've been told I'm not artistic enough. That I'm not "that kind of photographer"... and it makes me wonder, exactly what type/kind of photographer am I?  What photos of mine do people see and instantly think, "Oh, Casey Shreve took this!"  What is my voice?  What is my niche?  Where do I "fit"?

I desperately want this to work out.  I am just soooo afraid that I will graduate and not be able to do anything with my degree except work in a studio posing little kids and trying to make them smile with my stupid duck voice or something.

I enjoy fine art photography... but I can't make a living out of that... I'm not as talented as my friends.  Carrie... goodness.. she is by far one of the most talented people I know.  She can photograph anything and make it look amazing.  Her skills at photoshop FAR surpass mine.  I can do wonders with natural light, but her grasp of lighting is much better than mine. 

Yes... I am jealous of my friend.  She is by far one of the best friends I have here.  I can talk to her about stuff.  Sometimes though, I just feel like such an idiot asking some of the questions I do or displaying my work in the same gallery as her.  

People tell me I have a gift, a natural eye for composition.  I just don't see it.  Ha.  Now there's a pun.  I don't "see" it.  Photographer joke.

I was asked yesterday why I'm not in the theater department.  A grad student who is directing a play asked me why I was wasting my time with the art department when I have a natural ability to express myself... and apparently I make people laugh quite easily.  The sad thing is... all I did was have a simple conversation with her and managed to make a fool of myself unintentionally... but this was brilliant to her. 

I've been told I'm very motherly, that I tend to be a nurturer and take care of those around me.  In fact, I was told that tonight at work also... by my BOSS.

I don't know where I fit.  I love the feeling of having a paintbrush in my hand, a blank canvas in front of me and no one to judge me.  I see the work of others and it inspires me to make great art... but by the time I am finished, I feel deflated, exhausted and as if the things.. whether they be paintings, photos, whatever... are worthless and not worthy.  

So I throw them away.

Over the years I have thrown countless things away.

Paintings, photographs, stories... every creative thing I have done with my own hands I have trashed to ensure that no one would ever see them.. just in case they would hate or loathe the very creations I have slaved over.

Maybe if my self confidence was better... maybe if I got some encouragement once in a while.. maybe I'd be able to find myself. 

You have no idea how long it took for people to push me into submitting to shows or gallery openings... I was too afraid.  Thanks to you all who helped push me... I am thankful that I actually have that experience to be proud of.

I am terrified of my senior show.

I am afraid that I'm not creative enough.  I come up with ideas that I personally believe in.. that I sit and dream about and long to make a reality.. but then I lose that inspirational feeling.  That drive and motivation to create.  I fear rejection.

I fear not being able to make a living.

I fear being in the same situation I am in right now.

Broke.

No car.

No money.

Barely scrapping the bottom of the barrel to survive.

I don't want to just survive... I want to LIVE.

I want a career... I want a profession.

I want more than a job... I want a life.

Starving artist.  Not just a term.. it's my lifestyle.

So what do I do?  Graduate, work at Sears portrait for 10 years and be miserable?  Go to grad school, get a MFA and not ever be able to use it? Or take that chance... follow my dreams, regardless of rejection, self loathing and disapproval?

What about my family?  What about my friends?

What about me?  Can I make it?  WIll I make it?

Do I want this?

I am so lost...

There are days I just want to give up.  Throw in the towel.  End my educational suffering and go work at the wal-mart until I am old and grey. 

Until then... I'm still unsure, uncertain and confused about who Casey is as an artist... what is my voice.

All I want is someone to sit down one day and just tell me what I am actually good at.  What are my strong points?  What am I weak at?  Where can I use improvement?  Someone make me see what I am doing right for once... instead of only what I do wrong.  If I work on the low points, focus on the high points... maybe, just maybe one day I'll be in the middle somewhere.

I just need, Really NEED to know that I'm at least good at something.

Right now I don't feel good at anything.

I don't even feel like my friends like me.  

I just want to feel worthy, wanted, maybe needed once in a while.  I want to be included...Maybe I just want too much.  I need my friends to want to be friends with me.


Sorry this is long.. it's late and I've had so much stuff just built up and shoved inside of me for sooo long now.

<3

Casey

As per bqueenbandit 's blog requested...

The pay it forward meme -->

I will send a handmade gift to the first five people who leave a comment requesting to join this Pay It Forward exchange. I don't know what that gift will be yet, but I promise you will receive it within 365 days. The only thing you have to do in return is "pay it forward" by making a similar agreement on your journal.

Fo serious. 

I make crafty things and take pictures in exchange for other various things... like time and love and food and such.  

Hmmm.

Well, let's see. I don't remember the last time I updated, but according to lovely ole Livejournal, it was 5 weeks ago. A little over a month ago...

August 10th, 2008

aceface905 and I were in a car accident. Apparently, after numerous weeks of researching... the guy who hit us had DOZED OFF while driving. You see, this dude, I mean, THE PRINCIPAL OF CAPITOL HIGH SCHOOL IN CHARLESTON,WV, had dozed off, his wife alerted him that he was approaching us quickly. He veered to avoid us, rear-ended/ side swiped us, went over the median and then proceeded to barrel roll and land upside down. When he hit us we went towards the median, but my lovely Lenny, the driver , corrected, we spun and landed facing the correct direction on the shoulder of the road. This guy also hit, in the northbound lane, a government vehicle from South Carolina. No injuries... except for yours truly.

How in the hell... out of all the damage done to his car... neither he or his wife were injured. Lenny and Dexter the dog were alright, but I had twisted and apparently sprained my back. Had whiplash, got taken away by ambulance, had x-rays, etc... now I have to do physical therapy, our car is totaled and I am dependent on pain medication and anti-spasm medication.

My back has seizures.

WHAT THE FUCK.

Ummm...hmmm.

New photography professor.

He's alright.

Cocky... a little.

Scattered...a bunch.

I still have no job.

My back fucks up my range of available job opportunities.

My school schedule also fucks up my job opportunities. Unless I want to work the streets.

I GRADUATE IN MAY.

Then?

Grad school?

Homeless?

Wedding!

There you go.

Don't say I never updated you guys.

Here's a spiffy picture I took. Let me know if you like it.